You know you've got issues when someone writes something funny and before your brain even registers the humourous objective you note the lack of an apostrophe in one of the words... :o(
I've come across the most awesome website. It's called the Fail Blog. Basically, it's an accumulation of photographs and videos of people failing spectacularly at things. It can be a sign in a shop, a news presenter getting things incredibly wrong, or a product that just isn't right in so many ways.
Here is an example for you: I tell you. Why are we bothering with catchy slogans like "Kids alive, do the 5", high-tech kiddie proof fences, gates and general pool education when all you need is this sign? To think that so many lives could've been saved if they'd just invested in one of these.
And an example in the form of a video:
I've received quite a few good laughs from this simple, yet direct website (and have also been left in awe at human stupidity). Mosey on over and check it out for yourself.
I'm going to begin this review by acknowledging that I am indeed a hard person to please when it comes to movies. My idea of a good movie entails good clean humour, a significant amount of content (but not too much that I get a headache), low violence, a lack of bad language, and just the right kind and amount of suspense.
I did say I was a hard person to please, and yes, there are actually movies that fit into the above categories.
So. You're probably wondering why I am going on about movies. Well, this weekend I rented a few and 2 out of 3 have been absolutely bull poopy.
Broken Flowers. I just finished watching this so called "comedy" and am now wondering who I write to in order to get back the last 102 long and painful minutes of my life. I know, I know! I should've ejected that DVD and stuffed it back where it belongs; inside its case, hopefully never to see the light of day again. However, I lived in hope that it would get better. It didn't. Hence my disgust.
The movie begins with a morose man (Don) who appears to do nothing with his time but sit on a leather couch in his 70's style abode donned with a black tracksuit. This is the only expression we see for the entire 102 minute duration.
Don receives a pink envelope in the mail with red writing on the front. It does not have a return address and the letter inside is typed and unsigned. So he has no idea who it is from. The letter in question informs Don that he has a 19 year-old son who apparently has gone on a mysterious trip. The mother is now informing him of the child's existence because she thinks he may be in search of his father. So he may show up on his door step.
Don's paranoid neighbour, Winston, who I did not like for the sole fact that he reminded me of my father (he's highly paranoid), convinces him to go and find the woman. Don writes a list of 5 women, Winston looks them up on the Internet and plans his journey, Don goes.
The rest of the movie is as follows - Don drives and flys around staring at certain women's legs and visiting 4 of the 5 women (1 died, although he visits her grave). He does not say why he is there. They all answer the door and look at him like "Who are you and what do you want?" and then ask, "Can I help you?" He responds with his usual expression...
...and says nothing until they go, "Don?" What a loser.
While he is in the company with these women he looks for anything pink - because, you know, if you send someone a letter using a certain coloured envelope it means that your house is just full of that colour. The first lady has a pink bathrobe. The second lady has pink business cards. The third lady has pink pants. The fourth lady has a pink type writer and pink bike. Then her motorbike friend punches him the face (something I would've liked to do).
So he returns home and finds another letter in a pink envelope from his girlfriend who left him at the start. Now his neighbour says he is going to match up the handwriting to see if she wrote the first letter. Don stays at the coffee shop and recognises a kid from the airport hanging around outside. He offers to buy him a sandwich and then after a short while blurts out "I know you think I'm your father but..." and the kid goes ape and runs off. The end. ??? I feel jiffed. So, did the ex-girlfriend write the other pink letter? Was the kid his son? Does he even have a son? It was a total waste of time and I do not know why the DVD case has a little white triangle sticker on the top left-hand corner with red writing on it claiming it is a -COMEDY. It's not.
Ok. Second movie. Meet Joe Black.
I am not like other females. I do not like Brad Pitt. Frankly, I find his face annoying. When I look at him I do not see a handsom man. I see an arrogant, self-righteous morons with died blonde hair. He annoys me. I don't even think his acting is all that great. Never the less I rented the movie. I had heard good things about it and I was running out of time and needed 1 more movie in order to have a 2 dollar saving. C'mon, you all know I am a cheap bastard.
So. This one, like the other, has an odd classification. This one is an apparent drama. I beg to differ, though. For the first 3 quarters of the movie I did nothing but chuckle. I would've classed it as a comedy. Maybe the guy with the sticker gun got things mixed up? I dunno.
Anyway. The movie started off ok. But towards the end I was highly irked with the chick in the film. She did nothing but squint! I think it's something they are taught in acting school because a lot of people seem to do it. Serious expression = squint. Contemplation = squint. Saddness = squint. Angry = squint. Mental anquish = squint. Tired = squint. But this chick took it one step further. Even when she was happy she squinted! I never knew we were all meant to respond like that to almost every situation. Next time a customer orders a coffee I will squint at them. In fact, from now on I will squint in response to every situation life throws my way.
(I have no idea why the photos are so far down the page. You'll have to use the scroll button.)
Maybe she needs glasses?
So that was issue number one with Meet Joe Black. Issue number 2 was the ending. It was total rubbish. A cop out. Joe and the old guy walk over the bridge because it is time for him to "go". The girl sees them running off, squints, and goes after them. A moment later Joe comes walking over the bridge. They talk, and Joe is not Joe anymore. Now... Joe is death, right? So how is it that he stole the guys body by getting him run over in the beginning, yet manages to return the guys life to his body in the end? Death does not bring life. It's just doesn't work that way! Am I the only one who sees the contradiction here??? Next thing is she isn't in the slightest bit confused as to why Joe's entire personality has changed. "Joe" on the other hand isn't freaking out: "What the hell, man? How did I get here? Last I remember I was being smashed into the bitumen by a car. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!" One would think that would be the appropriate response. Instead, however, he is rather cool and all "Heeeeey, I didn't think I'd ever see you again." Because, you know, that's the important thing to say. Focus on the woman. Not the fact that you're somewhere you weren't 2 seconds ago. Day is now night and you're wearing a suit that isn't yours with some chick squinting at you. Now you sort of get the impression that the girl understands that the Joe that's there now is not the same Joe that was not there before, but is now the Joe that she met in the beginnin...err... You know what I mean (I hope). She seems to get that he was inhabited by death and her dad is now gone for good. So... being a DOCTOR and a supposed LOVING DAUGHTER, one would assume that she would be unselfishly concerned about her father, causing her to leave "Joe" behind and run off to find her father's lifeless body. But no. Instead she is all happy and squinty because she has man. My dad's dead? Oh well. That doesn't matter. I have a man! Now there's a girl with her priorities right!
So clearly I thought the ending to that movie was dodgy, too.
I've been feeling pretty pissy the last couple of days. I've had a good run, though. Usually every day that involves my having to deal with the public by any means leaves me irked in epic proportions. However, the last few months I've had been ok. Tired out, but not mad as hell.
But the last 2 days I've wanted to jump the counter and start smacking people with their food trays. I could make a large list of the things that have been ticking me off. But I'm just going to cut it down to 3 things.
Whinge 1:The T lady - This is a lady who works for a business up the road that begins with the letter 'T'. She's a cranky, self entitled, impatient, rude, demanding witch. If there are several people in the store waiting to be served, she will walk up and stand by the counter and expect we automatically push her to the front of the line. I used to place her bread order down in the bread rack with her order book on top for her to sign. However, this proved to be a wrong move. She decided then that because she had her bread already and didn't feel like waiting to tell us her order for the next day, she then had the right to come IN to our store BEHIND the counter and mess around IN OUR WAY whilst we attempted to carry hot drinks in a very confined space dodging 3 people (now made 4 due to her unwanted presence) to find OUR order book so she could write down her order and leave. Does this mean that we would be welcome in her store behind her counter without permission? I guess so. Maybe we should all mob down there one day and just walk in and see what she says.
So we decided we no longer would leave her bread or the order book where she could find it. Last Saturday she comes in and once again we were busy. Instead of waiting she rudely cuts everyone off and yells "HAVE YOU SOLD MY BREAD?!?!?!"
She's not doing herself any favours acting like that. We're just going to make things LESS convenient for her.
Whinge 2:Customers who don't listen. They are ordering from you and yet when you ask them questions they do not tell you the answer you want. This happens so often. You know they are not organised so you try to do it for them. They order one coffee and you can tell that they want more than one so you ask, "Are there going to be any more coffee's?". They respond "Yes, just a minute." So you wait. Then after waiting for a minute or so, they order a pie. I DID NOT ASK YOU IF YOU WERE ORDERING ANYTHING ELSE. I ASKED IF YOU WANTED ANY MORE COFFEES!!!! So you say, "So, that's only one coffee then?" They look at you, blink (clearly not much going on up top) and say, "No. We want a cappuccino, too." Hmm... Me thinks that's what me asked in the first place.
Or if they are at the sandwich bar and are ordering several sandwiches. You try to organise them so you can make them all at once. You ask them if they want butter them, they say yes and then proceed to tell you everything that's going to be on each sandwich. You stop them and explain that it's easier to make them all at once, and you will ask them as you go along. Next question, would they like any mayo or mustard? They say yes and then once again tell you all the fillings for each sandwich. It's not straight forward, either. They'll say it in the most confusing way possible.
Whinge 3: People who order a massive list of things and then whilst you're still preparing it ask "How much is that?" Sure, if it were maybe 5 things we could add it up in our heads. But come on, we're talking 2 trays of goods here! Your order is up in the realms of 30 bucks plus! We're using our brains to remember what you want and how you want it because you're so damn picky and change your mind so often (usually the moment you get it on the plate - don't act like you're sorry for the inconvenience, you're not. If you were you would just suck it up and eat the damn danish you ordered in the first place). Alright, that'll do me. I'm over people right now. >:o(
